Daddy came into my room to talk to me. It was supposed to be a simple and light-hearted talk about my weekend trip to Malacca, which they disapproved of the night before. Things got pretty heated and we started fighting, as usual. Well, I’m still not going.
I’m not too sure how things escalated, but he told me that he felt useless – useless because he doesn’t know anything and also seems to be doing everything wrong – from being scolded by my sister for eating too quickly, to her being impatient at him (them) for learning too slowly. He told me that he feels sad and depressed. All he ever wanted was peace from the family, but my sister won’t budge. He later explained why he seemed to be speaking up for my sister during our weekly family meals and giving in to her so often. It was because he wanted to pacify her so that he could get some peace on the only day he gets a break from work (I wished he knew how it affected my brother and me as well).
He then said, “My friends were celebrating my birthday for me tonight. 20 of them. I was very happy.” and after which, he apologized for not being with us for the first few years of our lives because he was so busy working. He wasn’t going to let us starve to death because we were poor as hell. Now that we are financially stable, he wants to make up for lost time. So he gives us more than we need and protects us more than we desire most of the time.
And then I realized how selfish I’ve been. For overlooking his intentions and getting angry at him for being overprotective. For wanting to leave this goddamned place and country all the time, just because I couldn’t deal with life anymore. For not being more understanding of his ways of dealing with my sister. I realized that I never bothered to empathize with him any deeper than “I know that he cares for me.”
At the end of the day, we both admitted that we were wrong in some ways, and apologized for our tone and words that came out the wrong way. I don’t how and when the conversation got so heavy, but I’m glad we had the conversation. It was an opportunity to finally talk about his feelings for once.