Daddy came into my room to talk to me. It was supposed to be a simple and light-hearted talk about my weekend trip to Malacca, which they disapproved of the night before. Things got pretty heated and we started fighting, as usual. Well, I’m still not going.

I’m not too sure how things escalated, but he told me that he felt useless – useless because he doesn’t know anything and also seems to be doing everything wrong – from being scolded by my sister for eating too quickly, to her being impatient at him (them) for learning too slowly. He told me that he feels sad and depressed. All he ever wanted was peace from the family, but my sister won’t budge. He later explained why he seemed to be speaking up for my sister during our weekly family meals and giving in to her so often. It was because he wanted to pacify her so that he could get some peace on the only day he gets a break from work (I wished he knew how it affected my brother and me as well).

He then said, “My friends were celebrating my birthday for me tonight. 20 of them. I was very happy.” and after which, he apologized for not being with us for the first few years of our lives because he was so busy working. He wasn’t going to let us starve to death because we were poor as hell. Now that we are financially stable, he wants to make up for lost time. So he gives us more than we need and protects us more than we desire most of the time.

And then I realized how selfish I’ve been. For overlooking his intentions and getting angry at him for being overprotective. For wanting to leave this goddamned place and country all the time, just because I couldn’t deal with life anymore. For not being more understanding of his ways of dealing with my sister. I realized that I never bothered to empathize with him any deeper than “I know that he cares for me.”

At the end of the day, we both admitted that we were wrong in some ways, and apologized for our tone and words that came out the wrong way. I don’t how and when the conversation got so heavy, but I’m glad we had the conversation. It was an opportunity to finally talk about his feelings for once.

Advertisements

12 more days, and I will not exist in your life anymore. In memory, yes, I’ll always be there and so will you, in mine.

Leaving you has never been in my dictionary, but like you’ve said, “Things change, right?”

I swore to never leave you again, like the time I did, last year. But circumstances have forced me to do the unthinkable; the most painful decision I’ve ever had to make. Leaving you also meant that he will finally have the whole of you, and you can properly love him again. You’ll no longer be caught in this little drama, as you’ve described it to be, anymore. You no longer have to keep us in separate spheres anymore and everything will be so much easier for you, and for him too.

It hurts to stay by yourself and as hard as I tried, I can’t bear to be in your life as long as he is. I’ve come to accept that the fact that being in your life meant that I’ll be disrupting it, as I’ve been for the past year and I no longer wish to do that.

At the end of the day, he will always be your choice because he’s too good a choice to be let up. Without me in your life, you and him will be happier, and perhaps get married, have kids, and start a family.

I’ll soon be nothing but a passing phase, a girl you once fancied, a girl who came into your life like a strong hurricane, and leaving like a slight drizzle, soon to be forgotten.

Full of zeal and curiosity

She embarked on an experiment

She soon realized that the experiment was bound to fail

And so she bailed

Dropped everything and left

Leaving the subject to itself

Used and broken

Keep telling yourself that you cannot, and will not allow yourself to hurt over her anymore.

Be angry, as you should.

Hate her, if you must.

But you must not hurt anymore.

You will remember the pain, but you will not feel the pain anymore.

Let go of her.

Because she has let go of you a long time ago.